10/22/2012
My Only wish for tonight was to sleep. It seems like ages since my body was in a 180. A shower is what I dreampt of as soon as I thought "hotel." It's crazy that these two standard things are somewhat of a luxary now. My body aches from struggling with you. I knew you had my phone-especially since you shot for the door as soon I mentioned it.
Was it worth it? It makes me sad that I think your answer is yes. Your seconds of cruelty were worth what was lost. I'm so tired. I could fall asleep now, but every headlight alerts me, and I duck in shame knowing that upon seeing me here, sleeping in such a someber, sad manner, you will somehow smirk...perhaps even smile knowing that yet another battle has turned in your favor.
Tonights outcome, however sick and twisted, was what I was afraid of. How dare you take what little precisousness we had, and darken it with your barrage of insults; and onslaught of vulgarities, a slew of slurs reserved only for me....from you, a lover I once knew. I know you sensed my immediate hesitation, my audible reluctance once you revealed your plan of action. Because ultimately, all I craved was silence, peace, serenity and unfamiliare concepts to us as of late.
It amazes me to know that you are smiling with her, flirting effortlessly and giggling with ease. "Amazed" isn't accurate...."sickens" me to vizualize thee. Yet here I am because oddly enough I feel safe here. It is the safest of streets in my presence. and I detest venting that. As i know you will shake your head in disbelief; that once were smitten by such a poor, sad soul.
I too marred at my disgusting rapid decline. I loathe the notion of you watching my gross defeated self stare back at you with tears rolling down my miserable face, such as now and last night and this morning and tomorrow I'm gone.
I hate for you to see such despare. It sickens me. It surrounds me with self disgust, it drowns me in self pity, envelopes me tightly, painfuly, relentlessly. Punishing me for my weakness, pummeling me the knowledge that I am the fool; slicing my once sweet insides with a sharp, stabbing gusto. The ill-fated, ever feared word "FOOL" is branded onto my entire spirit.
You maintain your stance that my presence alone is insufficiant. It is nauseating knowing that I allowed you to do this, crack me, crumble me, break me. It is abundately clear to all that I've given myself wholly to you. Well, all except you. But I did do the best of my ability I remained as pleasant as possible given the fucked up circumstances.
But I must refute because my presence represents my pride- or lack there-of. My presence is my peace offering- I offered you my precious pride-knowing self-loathing would invitably follow. For without pride, what are we?
Quivering mounds of weakend filthy flesh. Did you not know that with each moment of pardon, with every harsh gesure, with every violent streak, in self-disrespect would grow slowly turning me into nothingness.
Growing into nothingness that went much worse than anticipated. As you parked, looked over and began to walk on, I bravely condidered telling you.... go. go. go. GO!
Than is dawned on me (how appropriate) FUCK THIS. I've been here for what seems to be days. I ate once yesterday- it was light out, 1/2 of a sandwich. I don't know when I brushed my teeth last- but the grainy grout-like film over my once pristine teeth tells me-months and months and months perhaps.
A warm shower would be divine.
Oooh I look down on myself for imaginging an outcome than the one we quickly provided. I see my sad, pitiful, depracating self and shake my head bewildered and baffled that I hoped something positive would arise from our infiinite mound of hatred.
Endless warm gorgeousness cascading down my disgusting body=would be so delicious. But alas, tis not the case. Because you turned your back and walked ahead carelessly as I feared. Or perhaps you smugly assumed I'd follow, with my head bowed down foolishly, covering my ever shrinking pile of pride... again. no no no no. Don't you tell me you've been riding alone all night aimlessly, seeking solace somehwere unkown, when you have a glorious something who is safetly in indoor solitude, the ever fantastic something we once foolishly called home. I don't know why I stupidly excpected you to be here, a mere hour after you returned from her. I can imagine now the great disappointment you must have felt as you were forced to acknowledge meafter almost succeeding and evading me. This is why it was seconds before you turned back quickly, crossing your fingers, hoping I'd depast easily so you could go to her, run to her, be summomed by the gross sluttness your inexplicably can not resist. FILTHY, DIRTY DOG!
more notes to come!
xoxo,
Beautyqueen
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